More than a quarter of a century has passed since I became a doctor. At the same time, more than half of my lifespan has passed. I often ruminate on how many people I have seen as a doctor. When I was just a resident, I quaked in my boots. I was not confident in my skills and was constantly with my superiors because I feared that my conduct might do patients harm. How many operations did I carry out? More than 5000? More than 10000? Some of them were not successful. There were times when the intense bitterness of failure brought tears to my eyes.
Can I become a better doctor after a hard quarter-century of working? Can I catch up with the level of my superiors? I'm not sure. I've performed many major and minor surgeries. I think I must have saved many lives, but I don't remember those successful cases well. What I remember the most are the unsuccessful cases. I can't get those patients and their families out of my system. There were many patients that had serious aftereffects. They survived the serious illnesses, but their daily activities were severely restricted. Patients who had a total resection of colon will suffer from severe diarrhea. Patients who no longer have their urinary bladders will have to manage their urination all the time. Patients who had limb amputations and the patients with cord injuries after accidents,,,,,,all of them are probably alive now, but I wonder what their daily lives are like? I especially remember Kaori, a young lady, who had surgery for ulcerative colitis early in life. Kaori was very afraid. I did my best to reassure her. The surgery went well, but Kaori will always suffer from severe diarrhea. If Kaori is alive, she is in her thirties now. I hope she is doing well and has made peace with what she must endure.
While I already feel that I have given patients up-to-date medical care, I have mixed feelings about whether the methods or procedures that I selected were actually helpful and suitable for each patient.
I probably will continue to work in the medical field for two more decades. What kind of care can I provide for people? I'd like to do my best as diligently as ever.
I still study new techniques. I know I must question the validity of each procedure and constantly consider better ways of doing each one. I must take into account the patient's quality of life. What I hope for the most is new technology and better drugs because ultimately I can only provide that which is available. I want more for my patients. I want complete healing.
(Vocabulary)
recollection [C] 記憶, 思い出 [U] 思い出すこと, 回想
ruminate (フォーマル) 思いを巡らせる, 熟慮する
quake in one's boots (informal) (心配・不安などで) びくびくする, おどおどする
intense 〈感情・味・においなどが〉 激しい, 強烈な, 〈色が〉 非常に濃い
get sth out of your system (informal) ＜悩み・感情など＞を頭から追い払う
aftereffect (事故などの) 余波, (病気などの) 後遺症
make peace with （～と）仲直りする、（～と）和平に同意する、（～と）仲裁する
endure [他] 〈困難・痛みなど〉 に耐える, をがまんする
validity 正当性, 妥当性 [＋validity of]
He questioned the validity of the argument.
彼は議論の妥当性に疑問を持った．
ultimately 最後に, 結局（は）
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