More than a quarter of a century has passed since I became a doctor. Besides, more than a half of my life span has passed. I ruminate about how many people I saw as a doctor. I was always quaking in my boots when I was just a resident. I was not confident about my skills and was always with my superiours for fear that my conduct might do patients harm.
How many operations did I carry out? More than 5000? More than 10000? Some of them were not successful. I sometimes brought tears to my eyes with intense bitterness.
Could I become a better doctor after a hard quarter century of working. Could I catch up with the level of my superiors? I'm not sure. I've performed many major and minor surgeries. I think I must have saved many lives, but I don't remember those successful cases well. All that I remember are the unsuccessful cases. I can't get those patients and their families out of my system. There were many patients that had serious aftereffects. They could survive serious illnesses, but their daily activities would be severely restricted. The patients who had a total resection of the colon would suffer from severe diarrhea. The patients who don't have their urinary bladders would have to manage their urination all the time. The patients after limb amputations and the patients with spinal cord injuries after accidents,,,,,,all of them are supposed to be alive now, but I wonder what their daily lives are like?
While I already feel that I have given the patients up-to-date medical care each time, I always have mixed feelings that the methods or procedures that I selected were actually correct and suitable for each patient.
I might be going to work in the medical field for two more decades. What cares can I provide for the people? I'd like to do my best as diligently as ever.
(Vocabulary)
recollection [C] 記憶, 思い出 [U] 思い出すこと, 回想
my earliest recollections 私の最も小さいときの記憶
have no recollection of (doing) something
＜…＞（したこと）の記憶［覚え］がない
ruminate (フォーマル) 思いを巡らせる, 熟慮する
ruminate on/over something ＜…＞に思いを巡らせる = meditate
quake in one's boots (informal) (心配・不安などで) びくびくする, おどおどする
quake [動] [自] (恐怖・寒さなどで) がたがた震える, おののく
get sth out of your system (informal) ＜悩み・感情など＞を頭から追い払う
aftereffect (事故などの) 余波, (病気などの) 後遺症
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